Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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