I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
