Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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