If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize