You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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