I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
