i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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