when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
