Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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