Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
