Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
