I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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