I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
