what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
