when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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