I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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