I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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