i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
