Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
