What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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