I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
