the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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