why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
