Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i need to put some appletini on your dick
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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