I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
