I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just gargled with NyQuil
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
