I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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