My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
