the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
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Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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