I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
