When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
