my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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