It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
