I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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