It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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