I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
