there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
