apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
