So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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