i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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