i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
