I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
