turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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