I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
