just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
