Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
