His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
