I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
