Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
