Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
