Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
