I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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