And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
