He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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