i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
