OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
