Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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